Do you “should” on others?
Just over seven years ago I walked out of our hotel bathroom in my simple, yet elegant wedding gown, my hair neatly coiffed, my nails polished and makeup freshly applied. The man who would be my husband in just a few short hours said to me, “ok, ready to go”? In that moment I felt disappointed and unsure of myself. Was my dress not right, did I not look great? Anyone who’s met me knows that while I generally appear neat and put-together, my beauty regimen is minimal, at best, and a wedding gown and blown-dry hair is definitely not my norm. Consequently, my soon-to-be husband’s response fell slightly short of the “oohs” and “ahhs” I had expected. I realized something then that would prove to be a very valuable and hard to accept lesson…not everyone, even someone as close to me as the man I was about to marry, has the same assumptions about behavior as I do. So instead of feeling hurt or unnoticed I said, “Babe, I’m in a wedding dress. Please tell me I look nice” to which he responded, “you look nice. I love you. Ready to go”? Ok, so still no “oohs” and “ahhs”, but I did get exactly what I’d asked for, and remembered that one of the reasons I fell in love with this man is because he cares less about what I wear and look like than he does about who I am. The second part of that lesson is that if I don’t ask for what I need, sometimes very specifically and directly, I cannot assume that my needs will get met…by anyone. Something as simple as an assumption about social norms can result in conflict and tough emotions if I forget that we don’t all hold the same beliefs about how things “should” be or how people “should” act. At the same time, if I pay attention to and acknowledge that my assumptions may not be the unsaid “rules” that everyone follows, then I have the opportunity to communicate my needs, no matter how simple they may be.
Expectation refers to the act of believing that something will happen or believing that things should be a certain way. Generally we’re aware of our expectations, or can at least identify them if we take a minute to think about it, especially in reference to certain situations. Assumptions, however, generally stem from core beliefs that we believe are universal. Because we’re all raised in different places, by different people and taught different values, however, our core belief systems tend to vary.
As we become more aware of our own assumptions, its easier to recognize how they can set us up for miscommunication and conflict.
Here are a few tips to help you notice times that assumptions are part of the mix…
1) Do you find yourself thinking in “shoulds”? i.e. “He should have known what I wanted for my birthday” or “I shouldn’t have to ask you to help me clean up”
2) Do you have specific ideas about how a person will respond to you in a given situation?
3) Do you get angry/frustrated/disappointed when someone doesn’t intuitively anticipate your needs?
Once you’ve taken a look at how assumptions might get in the way of productive communication, you can start to think about how you want to improve your ability and willingness to express your needs. This is often easier said than done, because oftentimes we behave according to social norms that govern our behavior. Asking for help, for example, is hard to do because we’re sometimes conditioned to believe that needing help means we’re weak or inept. In fact, it takes more strength (and self-confidence) to give yourself permission to seek help because it requires that you acknowledge the need for help, but at the same time understand that your need doesn’t have to imply anything about your character as a human being. This may take some time to get used to, as these sorts of beliefs are usually deeply rooted. That doesn’t mean, however, that they’re set in stone.
A Word about Expectations…
Whether you choose to accept it or not, the reality is that every human being carries specific expectations (a strong belief that something will happen) about how they want their relationships to operate. For example, if you and your supervisor communicate that you will carry out a task, the expectation from that conversation is that you will complete the task and your supervisor expects the same. It can also be understood that you both have reached an agreement. However, if your supervisor has the expectation that the task will be ready the next day at 5 pm, and you are not aware of this expectation, you might find yourself out of a job when your task isn’t complete the following day at 5 pm.
Although it is each individual’s responsibility to communicate their needs clearly and directly, this process doesn’t always happen seamlessly and often miscommunication is the result.
These are 5 tips about how to best communicate your expectations to others – in any relationship:
1) Before you engage in the conversation, familiarize yourself with what outcome you want from the exchange.
2) Take a few minutes to jot down your expectations before you engage in conversation so that you are able to remain focused and don’t lose sight of the goal.
3) Anticipate the details that need to be communicated so that each person walks away with the same understanding about the exchange.
4) When communicating your needs, understand that the person you are talking to also has his or her own agenda (i.e. needs, desires, and expectations).
5) Verbalize your anticipated outcome to the person you’re talking with.
Are you aware of yourself?
Sometimes the hardest part of learning how to communicate better is also the most important part: becoming more self-aware. Self-awareness is a key component to changing aspects of your life that impede your capacity to get what you want. After all, how can we make improvements if we don’t fully understand the subtle internal cues that our body naturally gives us, and how they affect other people?
So how do we become more self-aware? This is certainly easier said than done…self-awareness is about knowing the physiological, psychological, emotional, biological and cognitive aspects of your personality and your behavior. Although it seems pretty simple, it’s often something that we overlook and pay little attention to.
Here are a few questions that will help you determine your level of self-awareness.
Cognitive:
- What am I thinking about?
- Are my thoughts rapidly changing or am I focusing on one or two things?
Physical:
- What is going on in my body?
- Am I hot? Cold?
- Is my heart rate fast or slow?
- Am I breathing heavily, deeply, or shallow?
- Are my muscles tight, or am I relaxed?
- Is there a particular part of my body that feels better or worse than the rest?
- Am I sweating?
Emotional:
- What emotions am I experiencing right now?
- Am I angry, confused, anxious, sad, irritated….?
Our emotions are often the most difficult thing to be aware of. Most of us are not accustomed to paying attention to our emotions, and often struggle to name them. As you gain self-awareness, however, it will be easier to identify subtle characteristics, which is an important step to improving communication skills.
Take a few minutes to notice and become of aware of yourself. Do things change depending on who you are with or what context you’re in (work, social, family, etc.)? Although it may be difficult to pay attention to these things (especially since we’re usually on-the-go with a thousand things to do), just give yourself a few moments every day to simply notice.
Consequences of How You Communicate
There are both negative and positive consequences to consider when looking at your communication style. The way we express ourselves has implications for how other people understand us, and how they respond. Although we can never control another person’s behavior (wouldn’t that be nice!), your communication style can sometimes predict whether your message is received as it was intended. As a result, we can explore some possible consequences of each style, both positive and negative. While this may not predict how another person responds, it can help us understand how we are perceived.
Aggressive:
- disrespect from others
- feared by others
- guilt
- lowered self-esteem
- anger from others
- alienating self
- inability to connect with others
Passive:
- lowered self-esteem
- anger at yourself
- false feelings of inferiority
- disrespect or pity from others
- feelings of resentment
Passive aggressive:
- anger at yourself
- lowered self-esteem
- resentment of others
- anxiety due to feeling out of control
- alienating self
- inability to connect with others
Assertive:
- higher self-esteem
- respect from others
- respect of others
- self-respect
- feel connection to others
- likely to get your needs met
These are just some of the things that can result from communicating based on your particular style. There are many other factors to consider, such as listening skills, the relationship you have established with the person to whom you are expressing yourself, and the subject matter at hand, all of which we will address in upcoming posts….so stay tuned!
4 Basic Styles of Communication: What’s yours?
Defining your communication style is a useful way to understand how your pattern of expression inhibits or improves the likelihood that you get what you need. The impression you make on others has a significant impact on how you are perceived, which can predict the outcome of interpersonal interactions.
There are 4 basic styles of communication:
- Aggressive: Stand up for your rights, but violate the rights of others at the same time.
- Passive: Put the rights of others before your own, minimizing your self-worth
- Passive Aggressive: Put the rights of others before your own, and do so with a subtle undertone of sarcasm or resentment.
- Assertive: stand up for your rights while maintaining respect for the rights of others
Not sure how to describe YOUR typical style of communication?
You may be AGGRESSIVE if you: speak with a loud voice and use mostly “you” statements, have a rigid or tense posture, frequently clench your fists or point your fingers, stare frequently, or squint your eyes, interrupt or monopolize the conversation
You may be PASSIVE if you: find yourself apologizing often, speak in a soft or tentative voice, avoid direct eye contact, always agree with others, are hesitant when speaking, have a slouched posture, or nod your head frequently, let others make decisions, ask for permission when unnecessary, fidget, or have downcast eyes.
You may be PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE if you: have a sarcastic or annoyed undertone to your voice, frequently roll your eyes, shake your head or sigh, mutter to yourself rather than confront the person or issue, show facial expressions that are inconsistent with internal emotions, appear cooperative while underhandedly sabotaging the situation, or deny that a problem exists in order to avoid conflict.
You may be ASSERTIVE if you: use “I” statements and speak with a firm voice, use eye contact and sit/stand with relaxed posture, are action-oriented, decisive, are attentive to others, use varied rate of speech with appropriate volume.
It’s really important to remember that most people have a TENDENCY toward one of these styles of communication. This does NOT mean, however, that this is ALWAYS the way an individual communicates. It simply means that your pattern of communication is most likely to resemble one of these styles MOST of the time. Additionally, it is quite possible for someone to identify with one style in some situations while identifying with a different style in other situations (i.e. maybe you’re passive with your mother, but aggressive with coworkers).
What do I REALLY want to say, and how do I say it???
We want to help you get to the bottom of what you’re trying to communicate and how to best get your message across. Do you ever feel like you’re talking to a brick wall?
Sometimes it’s hard to get what you need if you’re not exactly sure what that is or how to ask for it.
Here’s what we mean…
- Are you tired of spending every Sunday with your in-laws? Part of being honest is knowing about how much you can tolerate and expressing that to your significant other without causing a fight.
- Want to put an end to your staff’s defiance? It’s a fine balance between motivating productivity with your staff and maintaining positive morale.
- Are you finding that your partner just doesn’t know what you need when you’re unloading your daily troubles, even after you’ve been together for 10 years? Sometimes we expect people to know exactly what we need without having to ask them. Unfortunately, people can’t read minds so we have to fill them in on what we expect (yes, time and time again!).
- Have you ever poured your heart out about a problem to someone and felt like they didn’t hear you? When you feel ignored or just generally unheard by someone close to you it can feel pretty lonely.
So, what’s on your mind?
